Fat in the Brain!

This entry will have no scientific information, no call to action, and no guilt. I promise.

I am simply at a point where i feel like I need to talk. Human to human. Fat person to fat person. Yes, I called myself fat. I just called you fat, too. It never feels good. Especially if you ARE fat.

But I just wanted to get something of my chest that pops up from time to time. Like the state I'm currently, and quite frequently in:

I feel fat. After a year of busting my ass, I'm still a fat guy.

I can't help it. And I know some of you, who have worked really hard, and made great strides to change your lives and your habits, and your bodies, feel it too. I know I am not finished with my weight loss, and I am eager to lose the last 10 or 15 lbs, that I feel like I must lose...but I have hit a wall, and really do need to work a little harder for that last few lbs. But here's the thing...I'm worried about it. It's like having anxiety about waking up, and all that progress will have disappeared. It's looking at the scale and seeing the same number every day, and it feeling the same as it did 50lbs ago. No progress.

When you start and stick to a plan, seeing results is intoxicating. When you level off, at first it's okay...but it's been since before Christmas, and I am still at the same weight. And now I am once again...seeing a fat guy staring at me in the mirror. This is dangerous ground.

It is the point where people... emotional people, like myself, lose control. This is a gut check (pun intended.)

Gone are the exciting revelations: "Hey, look....my collarbone!", or "Wow, I can fit in my high school jersey!". Now, at least for me, it is: "I look dumpy in my fat boy clothes...but I'm afraid to buy new ones, cuz I'm an phony. I'm not really this size...I'm a fat guy...a fraud.".

We all have insecurities, and my friends know, I'm chock full of them. I have always been like this, and I must confess...I hide it pretty well. It doesn't matter how I try to counter it...I have a massive inferiority complex. I'm bad, you're good. I'm good...YOU'RE BETTER. When I was a three sport athlete in high school, and in the best shape of my life, lean and ripped...I still felt fat, comparing myself to the other athletes. As I have gotten older, it has made socializing, working, and performing, tough. Sometimes, it was easier mentally to just be fat.

This is relevant because it happens to a lot of people who lose weight. We keep waiting for someone to jump up and shout: "IMPOSTER!", while pointing at us.

This is the moment when people give up, and go back to being fat, or go overboard, and do damage to themselves, that can have dangerous and deadly results. Beware...(pointing at myself).

I see a lot of you doing so well, and looking so very good. We are none of us perfect. It is in that imperfection, that beauty and individualism flourishes. We do not have to look like magazine models. Curves are okay, good in fact (my personal taste bubbling to the surface...rolls, not so much.) Embrace who you are, not some vision of who you think you should be, or what you believe others want to see. And I'll try to practice what I preach.

So I am writing this note to myself, and to all of you:

Don't stop. Don't give up. You are worth the effort. You are not a fraud. Learn from this doubt. Things are no different...keep making every choice, and day count.

You got this.