Many times people mean well when they tell you that you don't need to lose any (or any more) weight, or that you've lost so much that you look like you are going to blow away. *eye roll* They are sort of intended to be compliments, but at best, they are backhanded compliments. They are kind of trying to say that you are fine to them just the way you are, but they are also telling you that you should quit what you are doing. Ultimately, they make you feel bad about a healthy choice you have made for yourself, and that is unfortunate. Hopefully, this person didn't really mean to have this affect, but in reality, some of them really mean it.
The closer the person is to you (anyone have an unsupportive spouse?), the more it hurts and the more frustration it brings. When you embark on this lifestyle change, you want your loved ones to celebrate with you. Exercising and losing weight makes you feel good--damn good! You need support in your down times (there WILL be down times) because it's a long, hard journey. The last thing you want is someone bringing you down and making you feel bad--or even ashamed--of what you have accomplished. Yet it happens every day.
"You are going to workout again?" {followed by a very loud sigh--sound like your spouse?}
"You are depriving your kids treats just because you are only eating rabbit food now?" {your mother-in-law?}
"You are getting so skinny. Do you even eat anymore?" {your mother?}
"You are not still trying to lose more weight, are you?" {your friend?}
Understanding the reasons why people aren't supporting you, and attacking them head on, is the only way to really get through this. Please don't let them convince you that you are doing something bad!
Reasons people don't support....or even sabotage: The Spouse
Men, please do not take offense if you do not see yourselves in these stories--I'm not talking about you. However, if you DO recognize yourself a little, maybe you have some thinking to do about how you might better handle these situations. You can also switch out he for she in these stories and they probably work just as well. I'm not letting the ladies off the hook either...we've got our own set of issues, especially in the the mother/mother-in-law department.
Reason #1: He's afraid of losing you. Sometimes people get too "comfortable" in a relationship. Sometimes when their spouse starts getting fit and trim, they feel like they won't be good enough anymore. From these insecurities (ones that they will rarely ever admit to) comes the push-back against you getting healthier. To address this, you must address the insecurity issue. Unfortunately, if he's not willing to say he's feeling insecure, it can be harder. You must reassure him that you aren't going anywhere, even more than you think is necessary. Try to have a sitdown, purposeful discussion about how important your health is to you, and how much it would mean to you if he supported you. Specifically tell him how you are not feeling supported. Ask him if there's anything you can do to help him feel better about it. Ask him to join you on your journey to good health. Once he feels comfortable that you aren't going anywhere, he will feel better with the idea of you being healthier. If he doesn't seem to care what's important to you, and continues to try to control, then the problem goes deeper that you getting healthy. Get some professional help to work through these issues, they will not get better without addressing them. It's important to have a supportive partner in life!
Reason #2: He doesn't like taking care of the kids (or insert other usual spousely duty here) alone. Let's say your workout time can only happen when he can stay with the kid(s). Don't get me wrong, there are some amazing dads out there doing a heck of a job, and I'm not talking about them. Let's face it though, there's a bunch of dads who call watching their own kids "babysitting". Babysitting?! You are not being paid $10 per hour to watch these kids! They are YOUR kids!!! But I digress.... When the woman is out of the house, the man must fend for himself, and possibly fend for the little ones left in his care as well. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but this may not be a comfortable role for men who have gotten used to something else. Change is not easy for people, so you have to address it. Again, you need to sit down and discuss how important this is to you, and then try to come up with a compromise that will work for both sides. First find out what the exact issue is. If some meal planning is necessary for you to get to the gym without a fight, then do it. If taking one of the kids to the gym's childcare makes it easier, then do it. However, if it doesn't matter what type of compromise you are coming up with to solve the stress over your gym time, professional help may be necessary. A healthy marriage and family must allow time for each person be themselves, to do something they enjoy. If that's not happening, then there is possibly a deeper problem that needs to be addressed.
Reason #3: She feels like you don't spend enough time at home as it is. {See, women have issues too.} You work all day, and then go to the gym at night? This is your only family time during the week, and you choose to spend it away from your family? Have you ever heard this guys? Women are wired completely different than you--it helps when you realize that. There are several reasons that she can feel threatened by or resent your workout time. Reason #1 above is one of them. Insecurities lead to all sorts of bad thoughts. Address them. The sooner the better. Another one is a need to feel cared about. Many women need quality time with their spouse to feel loved. You may not need that to feel loved, so it's easy to overlook that she needs it. You have to come up with a compromise here. You have to keep your workouts regular without making her feel neglected--whether it is real or perceived--you cannot discount her feelings. Can you workout in the morning or lunchtime to keep your evenings for family? The problem may be as simple as she's been home with the kids alone all day, and she just needs a break. There's no deep underlying mystery, maybe she's just tired! Give her that break, and figure out how to make her life easier while you go workout. If she's agreeable, offer to take the kids with you to the gym daycare to give her an hour on her own. It will show that you care about her while being able to workout as well. If you really think about it, you can come up with all sorts of ways to continue to let her know you care and get in a workout as well. Just make sure you talk to her first and that you are suggesting things that serve her needs. If you drag the kids off to gym daycare and she's looking for evening family time, your efforts will backfire big time! A little communication goes a long way. Again, if communication and compromise aren't working to solve the issue, professional help might be needed.
Reason #4: It hasn't "clicked" for them that they need to get healthy as well, and they still want to eat junk and not change a thing. Oh boy, this one is hard. You can't force them to change, so try your best to include them in the changes without making it so obvious. Switch higher fat and sugar snacks for lower ones. Ask them to go for walks with you and the kids. Have some conversations on why it's beneficial without nagging that they make changes. Just be a great influence, and hopefully they will join you eventually. If not, then you have to ask them to accept a few things. If they must eat junk food, then they can do it away from the house. This is the same for smoking, especially if one spouse is trying to quit and the other is not. They need to respect the fact that you will be tempted by it if it's in the house. If they refuse, then there are definitely some respect issues going on. Those need to be addressed. Call in the professionals, if necessary.
Reasons people don't support....or even sabotage: The Mother (or Mother-in-Law)
Who else but a mother would passive-aggressively comment on your food choices? "What?! You don't want a second helping of mashed potatoes and gravy? But that tiny scoop you took was so small! You used to always love my mashed potatoes." *sad face*
Or parenting choices? "What?! You take your kids to the daycare at the gym? Don't they spend enough time at a daycare while you are working?" *sad face*
How about sending home large bags of treats (the candy and chips and cookies--oh my!) with the kids because you are obviously depriving them of their childhood (obesity)? I sigh just thinking about this.
How you address it really depends on how important this fight is to you and to what degrees that boundaries need to be set. How negative do you perceive the comments/actions, and how much do they bother you. If your threshold for these things are high, and she doesn't get under your skin, maybe you can keep shaking them off and she'll get bored with them eventually. However, if there is a little malice (whether real or perceived), then some addressing might be in order. Here's three different scenarios with different levels of intrusion:
Scenario 1: She's really harmless, and doesn't mean much with her comments/actions (I'm thinking of the mashed potato comment above). If this is the case, and there is no ill will behind it, try your best to nicely (but firmly) address, and then ignore. Chances are, nothing better is going to come out of this. Don't be guilted into eating more, acting differently or giving up. Let her know that it's nothing personal about her mashed potatoes, and that you still love them, which is why you took a normal serving size instead of skipping altogether. Eventually (hopefully) she will get the message that it's your new normal, and leave you alone. If she doesn't, you might want to consider if it's really more like a Scenario 2 or 3 below.
Scenario 2: She's mostly harmless, but is trying to suggest you are doing something bad with her comments/actions. This is where you really need to evaluate whether the fight is worth it. It just might be necessary. If you are able to shake off the comments and stick to your guns without much guilt or effort, then do it. However, if it eats at you for even a minute, address it! You need to let her know that it's not appropriate to undermine your choices as an adult whether it be for yourself or your children. Try to keep it as matter-of-fact and overly nice as you can. Feelings might get a little hurt, but it's still better than you harboring resentment. Talk it through, let her know how important this is to you and your family's health. She doesn't want sickly, unhealthy grandkids, does she? {Guilt is a two way street!} Pull on as many heart strings as possible. If she doesn't get the message and respect your wishes, you are probably in a full blown Scenario 3 below.
Scenario 3: She has no boundaries, and is just trying to control you by criticizing you. I'm sure if you think about it, this same controlling behavior has happened all throughout your childhood to current day. There are just no healthy boundaries here. Once you become an adult, your parents need to respect your choices. They don't have to agree with your decisions, but that it not their call to make. If you are overweight, this controlling behavior just may have played a role in how you got there. This is a fight worth having because things will not change if you don't make them. They may not even change if you do, but boundaries between grown adults need to be set and followed, or there are consequences. There are some possible outcomes of you tackling this issue head on: (1) you set clear boundaries and improve your relationship with your mother after a period of readjustment; (2) you set clear boundaries, however your non-receptive mother cannot deal with it, so you spend less time allowing her to have access to you and your family {that's not a bad thing given the unhealthy boundaries}, or (3) you don't set clear boundaries and you continue to be controlled and made to feel bad about your choices even though you know they are good (i.e. eventual sabotage).
Please don't choose outcome #3. You deserve to be in control of your own life. Seriously, what's the worse that can happen by choosing #1 or #2? You don't let your mom make you miserable anymore. That doesn't sound so bad! And if these situations are happening and it's your mother-in-law, your spouse MUST get on board to address it, especially if you are looking at a Scenario #3. Don't allow this to also cause issues in your marriage. The boundaries are probably being violated for more things than your healthy lifestyle changes. Set them in place and go about your life. It might be ugly at first, but you'll be happier in the long run. There's a lot of books to help with setting healthy boundaries, or maybe once again, consider some professional help. There's more to life than allowing others to dictate how yours should be lived. You deserve experiencing that.
Reasons people don't support....or even sabotage: The Friend
They are not really your friend--ditch 'em. Whew! That one was easy!
All joking aside, if a friend is not supporting you, you really need to evaluate the so-called friendship. It's mostly like jealousy or about their own poor self esteem. It's not about you. You need decide whether the friendship is worth salvaging, and go from there. Ask them to stop with the negative comments and explain that they aren't beneficial to anyone. If they continue to make comments, it might be best if you didn't hang out much anymore.
Finally!
Okay, I know this was long, and if these things didn't apply to you, it was even longer. If you made it this far, thank you for bearing with me! If you do not have boundary issues with anyone in your family, thank your lucky stars! I've heard so many horror stories that I can barely believe they are true. They make me sad and mad, so I felt this had to be written. Don't let another person control your destiny. If you've made a decision to lead a healthier life, then do it! A huge part of changing your your life is not only changing the outside, but you have to adjust what's going on inside to make those changes last. Don't let others put doubts in your head, and don't forget, you deserve a great life.
You probably noticed, I mentioned seeking professional help several times. I really mean it. Working through issues with a trained professional can do wonders for you, your family and your closest relationships. Don't give up before you try some counseling to get to the root of the problems.
Above all else, keep it going! If you are doing enough to get someone's attention like this, you must be doing something right!
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